Unidentified Funny Objects 9Edited
by
Alex Shvartsman
(UFO Publishing, November 2022, pb, 352 pp.)
“The Hero of Small Things” by Amanda Saville
“Chai Noon” by Esther Friesner
“If Pages Could Blush” by Kyle A. Massa
“The Time Loop Device is Counting Down” by Beth Goder
“Crouching Swan, Hidden Polka” by Jim C. Hines
“Sgt. Yeti” by Gini Koch
“The Great Beyond Commands” by John Wiswell
“The Second Wish” by James Beamon
“These Three Aliens Walk Into a Bar” by Simon R. Green
“Our Most Sincere Apologies to the People of Brazil” by Jane Espenson
“Liability Insurance Policy for Immortals, Cryptids, and Other Magical Beings: Annual Newsletter” by Tina Connolly
“The Shadchen of Venus” by Lavie Tidhar
“Cory Sucks” by Auston Habershaw
“Sunnyside Daycare Employees’ Chat Log, Post Alien Takeover” by Amanda Helms
“Cooking Up Trouble” by C. Flynt
“Right to Remain Silent” by Jody Lynn Nye
“Auntie Elsie’s Compleat Guide to Heartbreak” by Tim Pratt
“Troll Bridge” by Adam Gaylord
“Do Gumshoes Dream of Electric Sleep?” by David Vierling
“Hell’s Bureaucracy” by David Hankins
“A Crisis of Fate” by Zach Shephard
Reviewed by Kevin P Hallett
This anthology contained twenty-one speculative fiction stories that took a witty stab at SF and fantasy tropes. Two stories were novelettes, and two were flash fiction.
“The Hero of Small Things” by Amanda Saville
Throughout her life, in this short fantasy, Dana said yes to what others asked of her. That is until she had a nervous breakdown in her junior year in college. That was the day she decided to start saying no.
Now a sword-wielding hand rises from her cup of tea, saying she must take the sword to fulfill her destiny as a savior of the world. But of course, Dana says no. And no amount of persuasion can change her mind. So the supervisor of the fates is summoned to sort Dana out.
The prose and plot took a new look at the start of Arthurian-like legends.
“Chai Noon” by Esther Friesner
In this short SF story, Goldie wants to get off the frontier planet where she was born. Despite being strong-minded, she still needs to find the right man to marry so that she can escape. And that is complicated by her determination to marry within her Jewish faith. A night of poker brings all her hopes and plans to a head.
A stranger joins the game. Goldie is unaware that he is a golem sent to spy on her by the parents of her prospective husband. And it isn’t long before she begins to fall afoul of the strict codes of her faith. Soon her self-assurance is ripped away as she fights to keep her dreams.
This slow-developing story didn’t give the reader much of a hook to keep them interested until the action picked up.
“If Pages Could Blush” by Kyle A. Massa
Necronomicon has escaped in this short fantasy, leaving the apprentice librarian, Fluff, searching for it. The horror book’s reputation would make any page curl in fear. Fluff doesn’t have long to find the errant book before the master librarian returns to fire him.
In the library’s fantasy section, he discovers that Alice in Wonderland has disappeared too. Everyone believes Necro has consumed the quirky but innocent book Alice. Everyone except Fluff, who begins to decipher the mystery.
This peculiar story relied on existing novel tropes for its humor and plot. As such, it didn’t feel unique.
“The Time Loop Device is Counting Down” by Beth Goder
Four people get trapped in a time loop in this SF short. It starts when Nosentam activates his time loop device as a threat against three people he accuses of cheating him. However, the device’s off or break key is faulty.
Caught in an endless series of fifteen-minute loops, the four people evolve as a group over the next seventy thousand loops. Each of them reacts differently, but can they come together to solve the riddle?
This story felt as if it barely scraped the surface of what was possible, leaving behind an overly simple story snippet.
“Crouching Swan, Hidden Polka” by Jim C. Hines
In this short fantasy, Stefano is a dancing superhero. He uses the power of dance to subdue the bad guys. For years he’d been working alone after fellow student Yuri attacked his master, almost killing her. In those days, there were three students and one master.
Now Nora, the other student, warns him that Yuri has grown in strength and is coming to kill them all. The problem for Stefano is that he still loves Yuri. Somehow Stefano and Nora must unite to defend their master against the powerful Yuri and his Polka dance technique.
The plot felt like a classic martial arts battle between competing schools. But otherwise, it was an exciting story.
“Sgt. Yeti” by Gini Koch
Koch’s SF short is set on Earth, an outpost where two galactic empires clash. Sergeant Yeti commands the Hallockians, who Earthlings call either Yeti, Sasquatch, or Bigfoot. The people of the other empire are called Greens by Yeti’s soldiers and Earthlings.
For Yeti’s men, Earth is a cushy assignment, and he plans to keep it that way, warning his men to keep out of human advertisements or family snapshots in dark forests. But then he hears that his superiors are sending a senior officer to check on them since recent intelligence places the Greens near Earth. Sergeant Yeti must find a way to keep this cushy posting. Maybe the Greens can help?
This was an entertaining, tongue-in-cheek story told through dispatches between the various groups.
“The Great Beyond Commands” by John Wiswell
The academic magician uses the Great Beyond in this short fantasy to deflect someone seeking justice for their murdered boyfriend, fearing for their safety. But the person is driven by their lost love to push through the magician’s barriers.
Eventually, the mage helps the person as they develop strong feelings for the distraught vengeance seeker.
The author brought emotion into this story snippet making for a good read.
“The Second Wish” by James Beamon
In this fantasy short, Clyde had three wishes from a malicious genie. The genie managed to warp the first two wishes to ruin Clyde. The first wish for a billion dollars resulted in the authorities prosecuting Clyde for forgery. The second wish for making his family into Greek gods resulted in Clyde becoming Black Blaestus, the crippled god of blacksmithing. While the rest of his family are beautiful and popular Greek gods, making millions.
Now Blaestus has come to the genie for his third wish. And he plans to find a way to get revenge on this mean apparition, despite the genie’s millennia of experience.
The author disguised this story’s lack of originality in a plot that was difficult to follow.
“These Three Aliens Walk Into a Bar” by Simon R. Green
Johnny sits at the bar when three aliens join him in this amusing short SF. The aliens come from different races, and they each want to abduct Johnny for their race. However, Johnny isn’t so keen to leave. After all, he was having a great day so far. Soon the aliens are arguing over kidnapping Johnny, who waits to see how this will turn out.
The whimsical style led to a short but entertaining story.
“Our Most Sincere Apologies to the People of Brazil” by Jane Espenson
Santa Claus has died in this short fantasy. Over the past centuries, he went from being an elf named Winkles to being a mythical saint and, finally, a forgotten benefactor. Yet, he was real enough to die. Perhaps it was due to his regression from being an elf doing great good to an elf of legend but no action.
The other elves mourned him at first, singing songs of his praise and wondering if this meant they were mortal too. But what could they do to honor him? Ultimately, they decided on one last reindeer flight across the world. But it was here that the remaining elves realized an unpalatable truth about their fellow elf Winkles.
This was another entry in the class of stories that take an old myth and turn it around to create a new story. This was one of the better ones.
“Liability Insurance Policy for Immortals, Cryptids, and Other Magical Beings: Annual Newsletter” by Tina Connolly
Liability insurance premiums are going up in this flash fantasy. A newsletter cites seven ways magical people can avoid litigation.
Connolly’s whimsical snippet wasn’t something that stirred this reader’s interest.
“The Shadchen of Venus” by Lavie Tidhar
The shadchen seeks a match for a Venetian octopus in this SF short story. Esther, the octopus, is heiress to a massive fortune but can’t find a suitable love match. The Jewish matchmaker has a long list of hopefuls, but Esther refuses them all.
In the end, the shadchen’s two best chances are a golem who looks like the West Wall and a robot programmed for love. However, these two dates don’t go well. But then, a new opportunity presents itself in the most unexpected way.
Tidhar’s story is styled after 1930’s pulp fiction, purportedly written by an author and friend of Stanley G. Weinbaum’s, though the author is fictitious and the story is Tidhar’s alone. The story moves at a frantic pace, reflecting the simplistic appeal of the early pulp fiction tales.
“Cory Sucks” by Auston Habershaw
In this short fantasy, Cory is an unwilling teenage vampire. Ordinary humans hate and fear him, while his parents are deep into vampire culture, which disgusts him. The boy can’t get a break!
Then he risks asking a lonely girl to the prom, and shock of shocks, she says yes. As good as this is, it only makes Cory wonder why she said yes. What was her angle? Could he accept her yes as a good thing, or was he going to process it to death?
This character-driven story was a pleasure to read as it branched away from the normal vampire horror trope.
“Sunnyside Daycare Employees’ Chat Log, Post Alien Takeover” by Amanda Helms
The Rthnithians take over the Earth in this flash SF story. But after firing all the humans, they are left running a daycare center. However, they know nothing about caring for human toddlers. So, they seek help from a previous worker at the daycare center.
This story snippet used twitter-like exchanges to flesh out the differences between Rthnithians and humans in a comical way.
“Cooking Up Trouble” by C. Flynt
Mr. Glyph specializes in demonic agreements in this short fantasy and agrees to help a baker, Mr. Keeble. The baker’s nearby competition keeps stealing his cookie ideas, and he needs a new recipe that no one can duplicate.
Glyph instructs him on how to invoke the right demon for baking. However, his warning about demonic deal twisting falls on deaf ears, and soon Mr. Keeble is trapped into baking an offal-filled pound cake that will surely drive all his customers away.
This was a quick and easy-to-read story with a nice twist at the end.
“Right to Remain Silent” by Jody Lynn Nye
In this futuristic SF novelette, Dana and her homicide partner investigate a simple mugging in a seedy part of the city. Complicating matters, Dana is not only pregnant but also carries a Salosian envoy who lives around her intestines and communicates through an electronic wristband.
The mugging victim is a well-placed diplomat who didn’t want to reveal that the muggers stole compromising love letters between him and a top envoy for the world council. Dana was assigned to the case because of her reputation for discretion.
As she and her police partner dig deeper, they run afoul of another police department that feels they are infringing on their area of crime investigation. Soon they find an entirely unexpected motive behind the mugging.
The story developed an intriguing future world with electronic badgering and protections. However, the story was a little slow in the middle section.
“Auntie Elsie’s Compleat Guide to Heartbreak” by Tim Pratt
Hannah struggles to get over a breakup in this short fantasy when she meets Elsie on a park bench. Somehow, Elsie knows what she’s going through and gives her a guidebook on heartbreak.
Hannah tries a few of the chapters. Some, like Platitudes, don’t help much. But Oblivion does. Slowly Hannah comes to some realizations about her heartbreak. One of which is that the guidebook helps.
The story’s prose was easy to read though the plot didn’t break new ground.
“Troll Bridge” by Adam Gaylord
Today is Blarg’s first day on the job in this flash fantasy. When a knight comes to the bridge he is meant to be terrorizing, the knight calls him out, challenging him to a battle that Blarg is sure to lose. What can an inexperienced troll do against such odds?
The flash story fit this format well and made for an amusing read.
“Do Gumshoes Dream of Electric Sleep?” by David Vierling
In this SF short, Loathing must track down three simulants accused of planning to rig an upcoming referendum. The ballot decides if artificial life has the right to vote. And it seems the vote is finely balanced, causing many biologicals to protest in favor of stopping the dilution of their power.
Loathing is a confessed minimalist, meaning he makes the least effort and doesn’t care one way or the other. Still, he tracks down the first simulant and is ready to shoot them on sight. But he dithers, and in doing so, he realizes something isn’t right about this situation or his instructions.
Modeled on the Blade Runner movie, this story was a fun read.
“Hell’s Bureaucracy” by David Hankins
Sam has a demon problem in this short fantasy. He ‘acquired’ Alvin during his Iraq deployment, and now the demon makes his life hell by messing up his work with bureaucracy, missing files, and anything else Alvin can think up. Even getting a blessed blade doesn’t help, as Alvin got himself reassigned back to Sam each time the blade banished him back to hell.
But when Sam hears that Alvin is to be audited by the demonic auditor from hell, he sees an opportunity to turn the tables. After all, no one likes an auditor, and not even a demon can survive a bad audit.
The author conjured a witty twist on the demonic haunting trope.
“A Crisis of Fate” by Zach Shephard
The immortal fatescribe retired a while ago in this SF novelette. But now the time continuum is pulling apart like Pangea, so the fatescribe office is pulling them back. They must create another good fate, like the one that led to ice cream floats.
However, writing fates is nerve-wracking. The whole world can go off the rails if you get it wrong. Of course, the world was already going to the dogs, so why not try? The fatescribe’s pet imp even offers to help. For a day, the fatescribe scribbles notes and ideas, but none produces a solution to the ripping apart of the time continuum.
Then the pet imp submits one of the fatescribe’s ideas as they lay asleep from exhaustion. And the world begins moving along a different line. But will it produce a fate where time no longer breaks apart?
This story moved at an engaging pace, and the light humor only enhanced the enjoyment of the read.
In sum, this was an engaging mixture of humorous speculative fiction. The overall quality was good.
You can follow Kevin P Hallett’s writing on www.kevinphallett.com. There are links to join his mailing list for a weekly newsletter on the recent release of his debut novel, the Defender of Vosj.