"When Jesus Ruined Christmas" by Martha A. Hood
"Mrs. Hewitt’s Tulips" by Mark Rich
"But Smile No More" by Stephen Dedman
"The Turtle God" by Mary Soon Lee
"La Lattaia" by Patricia Russo
"The Shrew that Ate Rush Limbaugh" by Robert Subiaga, Jr.
"The Facts in the Case of the Departure of Miss Finch" by Neil Gaiman
"Twelve Nights in the Harem" by Don Webb
"Swiftly Flowing Waters" by Brian Wightman
"Food for Thought" by Judy Klass
"Euphonasia" by H. Courreges LeBlanc
"The Third Maiden" by Paula L. Fleming
"Kali High" by Amy Benesch

"Pulphouse came and went," shouts the back cover of this issue of TOTU. "Century came and went. CRANK! came and went. We’re still here." The editors of TOTU do indeed deserve to be proud. After thirteen years of publication, TOTU continues to bring out quality genre and unclassifiable fiction long after many other small press magazines have folded. Perhaps in celebration, with this issue they’ve traded up to a larger trade paperback format, adding more pages of fiction and articles.

Martha A. Hood gets this issue off to a running start with "When Jesus Ruined Christmas," about a down-and-outer named Jesus Olivo who becomes the embodiment of Jesus Christ, when He is called upon to perform miracles in the world. It seems Jesus Christ has often visited the world through theages to perform mysterious acts, and his visit here to a televangelist’s Christmas pageant is just one of them. Hood spins a strong, compelling yarn.

"Mrs. Hewitt’s Tulips" by Mark Rich is a truly bizarre tale about a man who covets his elderly neighbor’s tulips and uses prepackaged little green burrowing people to help his own garden along. The man’s other neighbor, however, not only covets our hero’s wife, but is schtooping her as well. He also likes his little green people captive in a terrarium, where he can watch them in their own fornications. A strange, vivid dream, well told.

Stephen Dedman gives us a good old fashioned idea story with his "But Smile No More," about a secret government experiment that has destroyed the pleasure centers of the brains of a group of people called the Throng. The entire story is told in the form of conversations in a bar, showing an economy of style I found refreshing. This is a reprint from Aurealis #2 and Metaworlds: Best Australian Science Fiction.

Mary Soon Lee shows us just how strongly the gods depend on worshippers in "The Turtle God," in which an over-the-hill god must make some concessions to keep believers. With flowing, engaging prose, Lee brings her story to a satisfying finish.

As in a fairy tale, Patricia Russo paints her characters with strong, broad strokes in "La Lattaia." A young woman in a small Italian village is to be married off to a rich but syphilitic old man so that her father and brothers can cash in. The local witch, however, has other ideas, and she helps the young woman free herself from the old man’s clutches. A spare, effective story.

"The Shrew That Ate Rush Limbaugh" by Robert Subiaga, Jr. was one of the few stories in this issue that didn’t work for me. A pathologically arrogant high school teacher gets his comeuppance when he is attacked by a man-eating shrew that springs from his own imagination. Clunky prose and inconsistent characterizations kept me from enjoying this one.

Neil Gaiman weighs in with "The Facts in the Case of the Departure of Miss Finch," about a cheapo circus of horrors that is spirited away in the night along with an objectionable house guest named Miss Finch. Miss Finch is not at all pleased at being dragged along to the circus–at least not until she is offered up as a volunteer and the crowd is told that she will realize her innermost dreams. The circus dissolves away into a lush jungle, Miss Finch appears briefly with saber-tooth tigers for companions, then all vanish into the night, never to be seen again. A fine story, if a bit slight.

I found Don Webb‘s "Twelve Nights in the Harem" interesting, but ultimately unsatisfying. Kato Kaelin is given a spot in a sheik’s harem, but wants to leave again immediately when he discovers he is a near-slave. So he weaves a tale over the course of several nights to entrance the Sheik and sway him to his will. Kaelin’s motivations were unclear to me, making it hard for me to stay engaged. I did find the story-within-a-story, about a man tricked into a marriage he doesn’t want, more compelling.

In "Swiftly Flowing Waters" by Brian Wightman, a sorcerer’s apprentice learns that superior strength can sometimes be redirected against itself. The apprentice and his master are brought to the swiftly flowing waters of a magical power source deep in a wilderness. Once there, the master and their less-than-magically-fluent guide battle for control of the apprentice with surprising results. An entertaining story, with a lesson for us all–namely that poise and balance can be more effective than a fist raised in anger.

I couldn’t get into "Food for Thought" by Judy Klass. Set in a Star-Trek-like universe, a human negotiating treaty rights with repulsively fat aliens discovers that her self-righteous vegetarianism is just as abhorrent as eating slaughtered animals to people who can’t bear to kill even plants for food. The idea and its execution didn’t seem particularly original to me. Maybe it’s because I’m a vegetarian and I’ve had this particular button pushed too many times.

"Euphonasia" by H. Courreges LeBlanc is a scathing, wickedly funny critique of the music industry. A musician whose music is so bad it drives people literally insane is nevertheless made into a star, the vanguard of a new,amusical genre. Frighteningly enough, LeBlanc makes this outrageous premise seem utterly believable.

"The Third Maiden" by Paula L. Fleming is a tale told in symbols. A dragon intent on dining on some lovely young maidens in a castle is foiled when they offer him some interesting alternatives. The story was a little too indirect for me to follow easily; I would have liked a stronger grounding inthe characters and settings.

In "Kali High" by Amy Benesch, a high school girl who is too rebellious to fit in at any normal school is sent to one in which complete anarchy reigns. There are no classrooms, instead only makeshift tents and lean-tos in a parking lot. The principal gives practical lessons in overcoming sexual dysfunction and in primal screaming. Our heroine, however, finds even this too much of a routine, and she burns the place to the ground in rebellion. I confess I didn’t understand what Benesch was driving at.

Also of note in this issue is a very informative and entertaining interview with Neil Gaiman by Eric M. Heideman, Amanda Elg and Pam Keesey.

Michael Belfiore has sold short fiction to Aboriginal Science Fiction, Aberrations, VB Tech Journal, and other publications. He lives and works in the New York City area, where he acts as well as writes; his one-man play Abducted! recently played to strong reviews off Broadway. He is currently shopping for a publisher for his first novel and writing his second, about a theater company on tour to the Moon. Link to http://www.sff.net/people/mpbelfiore/ to learn more about Michael and his work.